I have loved art - drawing and painting and viewing it - for as long as I can remember. Most people would say I have talent. I struggle with it, but I do know that I have been gifted with a talent most do not have. I do see that, and I am grateful for it. My struggle though, comes from the belief that I am more of a copy artist, and not a true artist. What is a true artist though? Art is in the eye of the beholder right? I suppose that is true. Everyone has different tastes - what one person loves, another person hates. What one person sees as art, another could see as gibberish.
To me Art is individual. Its personal. Its the relationship between the artist and their creation - whatever that creation is - painting, drawing,writing, dancing, singing, cooking......and so on. Art comes in many many shapes and sizes and forms and every single person on this planet has a different view about it. Art is how you view it to be. Art is our opinion. Its our interpretation. It either speaks to us or it doesn't. Either way is okay. As an artist, the things I create are my interpretation of what I like, or what a client wants, to the best of my ability.
Most of my life and art though has been spent creating for others. For the last 15 years I have been painting murals as a career. Murals that clients have asked me to paint. And while I love my job, and have grown TREMENDOUSLY as an artist in that time - I have not been painting for me. I have been painting what I've been asked to paint. Even before the murals, back in school and art classes - I was completing assignments that were given to me. It has been a rare time in the last 30 some years that I have sat down and painted or drawn what I wanted to create. Part of my excuse was the busyness of family and life in general, but a bigger long held excuse was that I just didn't know what to do. That I'm not good enough. I've been afraid. I'm still afraid.
If you want me to paint a pirate scene for your kids bedroom - I will gather pictures of pirates and boats and the ocean and parrots and whatever else I can find piratey - then combine elements from all of those pictures - a boat from this one, a pirate from that one, a tree from here, a fish from there - and I will create a unique scene that fits the room and design theme the client is looking for. I don't really create it from scratch. I wouldn't know how. I do not have the capability to paint a pirate just from my mind - I need references. You give me any picture - I can paint it - I will put my own twist on it - but for the most part I am building off of someone else's idea. It's still mine - but yet its not.
But to sit down at fresh white blank canvas and create something of my own - that scares the hell outta me. What if I have nothing to say? What is my voice? Do I have a voice? Who am I as an artist? Who am I as a person? I know I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a daughter and sister and friend. I am an artist. But what kind of artist am I? What do I want to say? Who is Andrea?
This has been my struggle and it's been calling me to explore deeper for many years. But it became very loud last May (2014) when I stumbled across Laura Hollick's Soul Art online. She teaches a series of programs that help you learn to listen to your soul and find your voice as an artist - whatever your medium may be. It spoke to me like nothing has ever spoken to me before. It was as if a part of me, that had been asleep forever, woke up and said - FINALLY! Are you finally going to feed me now?! Lets go!
I knew deep down in my soul that I was meant to start on this journey. But I still struggled. My business was busier than ever, and spare time was little. Things at home were rocky. I was being pulled in many directions and frustrated and angry. I felt like I had finally found my path, but every step I took something knocked me down or blocked my way. I would start my Soul Art and make some profound discoveries about myself, but it was hard to follow thru sometimes. It was hard to find the time to set aside, but realistically - I didn't make the time because I was afraid. Afraid of the path my heart and soul were wanting to go in, and the soul art was leading the way. Afraid I would have nothing to say as an artist - that it wasn't good enough when it was coming from my own brain, my own soul. So I'd ignore it. I just kept working away with mural jobs, and struggling internally because the need to find my artistic voice was not letting me go no matter how much I ignored it.
It has been a year and a half since I found this path I know I need to venture down, and many many life changes later, I am once again embarking on this Soul Art journey. This journey to discover me and my voice as an artist. And as a person. I have been feeling lost for many many years, left behind. Depressed. Lonely. But for the first time, maybe ever, I am taking charge of my life. I am putting me first. I am making art - for me - a priority. Listening to that voice way down deep inside me and trying to feed the hunger in my soul. Trying to find ME. And so my journey begins anew.
This week I started one of Soul Art programs called the 11 day creativity cleanse. Its basically 11 days of going back to basics - exploring colors, and shapes, and different mediums, and diving deep to find out what things resonate with you (me). As always with Soul Art the first thing you do is set an intention. Its like the guiding light for your journey - what you want to get out of the experience. My intention for this 11 day cleanse is - I am flowing with confidence and creativity. Confidence has been a life long struggle for me, and most especially when it comes to this art journey of finding my voice. So I needed my north star to be a strong one in this process. I have surrounded my environment with my intention so it always there to remind that I can do this. I can and will find me.
Yesterdays assignment was working with color. Exploring what every color means and feels like to you. What do you like about it, what don't you like, What do you associate with each color. Through a deeper meditation I discovered that certain colors I do not like very well, are begging me to explore them further. It was quite a surreal experience. But then again, Soul art is like that. Thru her guidance I had to set an intention for the meditation and I came up with the intention - I am Evolving. At the end of the meditation I had to tune into what colors spoke to me. Teal green, Navy Blue and Hot Pink are my colors - always have been. Navy is my go to color. It is my grounding. I wear it all the time, I look good in it, it comforts me and empowers me at the same time. Hot vibrant pink is my fun energy color, it makes me feel alive. And currently Teal is my power color. It calms me, yet also draws me in and excites me - I see it as a balance between the navy and pink. My life/environment is surrounded by these colors.
Yellow is my least favorite color. I just do not like it and it doesn't look good on me. Red and Orange I don't mind but they are not favorites of mine either. I tend to avoid these colors though for some reason. And I think the universe knows that, and knew I needed to explore these colors more, because at the end of the meditation, red orange and yellow were calling me big time. This exact image appeared in my head - me with my blue and teal grounding background surrounded by red orange and yellow- evolving to a new place within. And I knew I had to paint it. Here is the painting -
I know what you're thinking -I painted a picture from my mind! Well kinda. I still had to take a picture of myself in this position, not naked mind you, or even in a white see thru dress haha, but mainly because I am not familiar with painting the body in this position - and I need my reference pictures! They are my safety net - something to fall back on when I'm not sure of the details. I did make up the rest though - the body as best I could and the dress. Overall it gets the vision in my head across well enough. But there are a lot of technical issues with it. I know I'm being picky - its my right as the artist though. I will always see the problems with my work, whereas most everyone else just sees a pretty painting. I get that I'm hard on myself, and more and more I am trying to view it from others perspective's and know that it is okay even if there are flaws. I still don't see this as something I could make money off of though. But I rarely do. Murals yes - fine art no. I feel like I have a really long way to go for that to happen. But I'm working on it. ;-)
And that is what this journey is about - Feeling and exploring my way thru art - my likes and dislikes, what works and what doesn't, and finding my "thing". Every artist has their "thing" - a style they are known for. I feel like I have a 'style' in my murals. Not sure what you'd call it but I feel like my work is recognizable and uniquely me. I am very detail oriented when it comes to painting murals. Its often those last little touches that make the mural come to life and I'm usually pretty good with that. But fine art is a whole different ballgame. I'm finding that I can't just zip my way thru it like I do when painting on a large scale wall. So I'm learning to slow down and start over again - back to the basics of art - so I can navigate my way thru this new field. It's becoming quite the adventure.
So this is the beginning of my journey of finding my voice and me - thru Art.
I know we talked about this, but it was good to read it as well. I love that painting, I love what it spoke to me and I love that it said what you needed it to.
ReplyDelete